Sometimes people try to burst your bubble with their Poor Me attitude.

This really irks me. Especially when the reasons for their accomplishing some feat should be about themselves, in my opinion. And if I do this feat before they do, somehow I'm stealing their thunder.

*Grr* But it's not bothering me anymore. I'm good now. Just had to vent some fumes. No more diverted energy. Thoughts influenced by the Celestine Prophecy.

I wish D would take them as seriously as I do.
Or even if D didn't have the forsight to see the consequences of D's actions, to accept the consequences and own the actions.

*sigh*

Through prompting by a wonderful woman, unrelated to my epiphany, I feel lighter, happier, and more myself than I have for the last three weeks.

I am so happy, my body is giddy, high (it's quivering), and yelling Hallelujah!

I know she is nervous about tomorrow and what may come. :) But I am alright as I told her when we began. I was not falsifying my understanding, intentions or my desires. :)

So the back-story to why I felt so shitty in my mind and body....

My ex recently broke up with the girlfriend he left me for. When I was at my lowest of lows, emotionally (not quite financially), he told me that if they ended up breaking up, he would come back to me because I was the only other relationship he knew and that he still loved me. (How can he not? We were together for 10 years. Even what happened between us will not stop the love, though it changed it.)

So, even though I knew a renewed relationship with him wouldn't work; I have known it from the end our relationship almost three years ago. I still felt hurt, rejected, and defective all over again because the BDSM and my desires in my life he couldn't accept.

As I texted this wonderful woman, "So screw him. And damn it, his is not the defining relationship I should model all mine off of." (Really screw my internal emotional saboteur.)

Hallelujah! This energy blockage has been broken!

Some friends of mine started a Fetish/Kinky podcast hosted by their site www.dungeonplace.com. I have started to be on the panel at Episode 3 (Sythen). The podcasts are informitive and best of all entertaining.

Let me know what you think. As well as any topic suggestions you might have or comments in general! Thanks!

DungeonPlace.com FestishCast Podcast
Use this link to subscribe to the feed:
http://www.dungeonplace.com/hole/feed

( The following are summaries of the first three podcasts. )

It makes my mind stutter (almost have a computational error *laugh*) when I find out someone I haven't talked to in months has been thinking about me.

As if they should be different from myself? The above thought highlights more my impression of my self worth, than whether I should or shouldn't be thought of. I think often of lost acquaintances or friends that I haven't spoken to in years, let alone the more recent friends who come to mind. These thoughts don't always move me to write an email, text, or better yet, call. Though they should. There's a reason they came to mind, even if my conscious thoughts are unable to tell me.

This reminds me of the lasting impressions we make, good or bad. Also remindinding me of the need and the desire to have communication, to know we, as individuals, are valued.

Why does writing a hand written letter seem more daunting than an email? To have to think more about what I'm intending to say? I do that often in emails. Perhaps I don't want the recipient to be able to decipher my moods, feelings, or intentions in my handwriting? Or more likely, that I want to have a sort of emotional detachment my hand written letter would not provide. That by giving them a piece of me in my handwriting, and the time it took to create, makes myself more vulnerable?

No, I feel instead of vulnerable hand writing a letter would illustrate and emphasize the love I have for the recipient. I have written short cards, but I haven't written a letter for 17 years.

How long has it been for you?

Any of my friends own a Blackberry phone? I'd like to use the Blackberry Messenger app, but I don't want to put my PIN out on the internet for just anyone to pick up and message me with.

Anyone with a Blackberry want to IM with BBM?

As many of you know, I got a car. With financing help from my mom. It was a good deal and one to jump on. Now I'm jumping through the hoops to register, etc, when I realize the car will have to be in my mom's name until my bankruptcy is discharged so they won't take the vehicle, even though it's only a few hundred over the $2500 exception value that the courts will allow in a vehicle. The downside to getting the vehicle is I'll have to wait for Thunder tickets to jump $30 to pay for a ticket, since my extra funds went to the vechicle.
( ...more... )

I eagerly anticipated the weekend. Trying not to guess what was in store, to let our scene develop as it would. My will was to serve, as you would have it. Phrases playing in my head from movie's I'd seen or books I'd read. "As you wish." I was nervous about putting my will into the care of another, I had been cradling my desire for service, letting it's presence only surface in my largely unspoken dreams and fantasies.
( ...more... )

I'm having trouble not letting the Saboteur have it's way with my Ego. Too much expectations, planing. Should have been open and let desire initiate, but listen to my Self and let it flow and go as it would. Too set on the tool. I appreciate the trust that was given to me.

Now Ego and Saboteur that you've had a chance to speak. It's time for the Self.

So into her. So comfortable. A wonderful beginning and middle, the end doesn't always go as desired especially when I confused desire for the tool for the original intent.
We'll revisit. Another place.

I'm so excited for this weekend, the work day couldn't get over fast enough!

:) Party tonight (I bought D an Indianna Jones B-Day cake), and service this weekend! (My first plunge into a 24 hr period of servitude.... *eeee!*)

I'll be sure to blog about my feelings afterwards.

*grin surpassing my ears*